High Performance. Low Morale. Embroidered Hoodie.

$95.00
You exceed expectations. You ghost burnout. You optimize until your soul starts buffering—now with extra fleece.

This is the heavyweight companion to our "High Performance. Low Morale." tee, featuring minimalist left-chest embroidery for the high achiever quietly unraveling during back-to-back standups. Warm enough for Q4. Soft enough for existential dread.

Made with premium materials that hold their shape, unlike your last reorg. Made to order—just like your performance improvement plan.

Wear it to:
✔️ Office off-sites that should’ve been emails
✔️ Syncs about syncs
✔️ Dinner with people who still think you’re killing it

• 50% pre-shrunk cotton, 50% polyester
Heather Sport Dark Navy is 40% cotton, 60% polyester
• Fabric weight: 8.0 oz/yd² (271.25 g/m²)
• Air-jet spun yarn with a soft feel and reduced pilling
• Double-lined hood with matching drawcord
• Quarter-turned body to avoid crease down the middle
• 1 × 1 athletic rib-knit cuffs and waistband with spandex
• Front pouch pocket
• Double-needle stitched collar, shoulders, armholes, cuffs, and hem
• Blank product sourced from Bangladesh, Nicaragua, Honduras or El Salvador

Disclaimer: Due to the fabric properties, the White color variant may appear off-white rather than bright white.

• This piece is made just for you when you order—because we don’t believe in bulk or burnout.
• It takes a little longer to arrive, but that’s the tradeoff for not overproducing what the algorithm says you want.
• Thanks for choosing satire over sweatshop speed.
Color:
Size:
You exceed expectations. You ghost burnout. You optimize until your soul starts buffering—now with extra fleece.

This is the heavyweight companion to our "High Performance. Low Morale." tee, featuring minimalist left-chest embroidery for the high achiever quietly unraveling during back-to-back standups. Warm enough for Q4. Soft enough for existential dread.

Made with premium materials that hold their shape, unlike your last reorg. Made to order—just like your performance improvement plan.

Wear it to:
✔️ Office off-sites that should’ve been emails
✔️ Syncs about syncs
✔️ Dinner with people who still think you’re killing it

• 50% pre-shrunk cotton, 50% polyester
Heather Sport Dark Navy is 40% cotton, 60% polyester
• Fabric weight: 8.0 oz/yd² (271.25 g/m²)
• Air-jet spun yarn with a soft feel and reduced pilling
• Double-lined hood with matching drawcord
• Quarter-turned body to avoid crease down the middle
• 1 × 1 athletic rib-knit cuffs and waistband with spandex
• Front pouch pocket
• Double-needle stitched collar, shoulders, armholes, cuffs, and hem
• Blank product sourced from Bangladesh, Nicaragua, Honduras or El Salvador

Disclaimer: Due to the fabric properties, the White color variant may appear off-white rather than bright white.

• This piece is made just for you when you order—because we don’t believe in bulk or burnout.
• It takes a little longer to arrive, but that’s the tradeoff for not overproducing what the algorithm says you want.
• Thanks for choosing satire over sweatshop speed.